As a child I always knew I was adopted. There was never a time I didn’t know. I knew my mother and father were musical, I had several siblings and I was 5 1/2 months old when they “got” me. I knew my last name and where I was born. I also knew I was given away at birth.
There are so many reasons rejection followed me through my life. As an adopted child, my life began with rejection. Add to this my dysfunctional childhood with an alcoholic mother, and the sum result is an adult who lived her life running from fear of rejection.
As many before me have said – but God. It took me until my 40’s to learn what God had for me and who He says I am. Finding my identity in Him changed my life, although it is a weakness I fight often. In my faith I’m able to maintain my peace and God’s grace continues to keep my heart full of His love. So at a time when God led me to a new career, blessings beyond measure and a life I’ve dreamed of the idea of finding my birth family seemed a far away dream.
As a child I never thought much about my birth family. My adopted mother, who honestly I’ve never added that distinction until recently, reminded me often that I was given away and rejected from the time I was born. With this in mind, why in the world would I want to find a family who didn’t want me anyway?
This last Christmas my oldest son and daughter in love gave me a dna test from Ancestory.com. I didn’t ask for it, and had not given it a second thought. But when I opened it, I cried uncontrollably. This was something my heart knew and my mind had not accepted. I had an innate need to know where I came from.
It took me a couple of weeks before I could bring myself to take the dna test. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew this was opening a door I wasn’t sure I was ready to walk through.
When I received the results I didn’t know what to do. My ethnicity wasn’t exactly what I expected and this test linked me with others who had similar dna. D.N.A. This links me to people, real humans, I am related to by blood. Something I’ve not had knowledge of my entire life.
Interestingly enough my first link wasn’t to someone through DNA. My son found a link to who he was fairly confident was my brother – or some relation very close. So I took a leap. I messaged him. I sent him an note, opening my heart to rejection, and gave him a short description of who I am.
It took a few weeks, but I received a response. I will never forget where I was when I received that first email. He was letting me know I must be mistaken. He wasn’t aware of any baby not in his family and he was very kind – but it wasn’t the right person. **SIGH** OK, so maybe we were wrong.
Shortly after, he emailed again. He let me know he contacted his older sister – and there was baby he didn’t know about. There was a baby given away around the time I was born.
I was speechless.
8 thoughts on “Do You Know Who You Are?”
Oh WOW Jesi!!! How Awesome and scary at the same time. Patiently waiting for more of your life story. I LOVE you my friend.
Oh Jesi, I am riveted by your story, and look forward to hearing more of your journey!
So. Good. Love you and miss you sweet friend!!! What a cliffhanger! Can’t wait for more of the story…..
Oh Wow Jesi!!! As I was reading your story, my heart broke when I read how your adopted mother continually reminded you that you were not wanted by your birthparents. Because as a child, you have no way of understanding……..so those words of “you’re not wanted” were like seeds planted in your heart & soul. And it grew overtime, which is exactly what the devil wanted. But we all know he is a Liar and a manipulator!!
Jesi, you ARE wanted…….by the most High God, and He LOVES you!!!!!!!!! He will never reject you, or leave you, and He will always guide your footsteps through life to bring you closer to Him. So rest in His peace, and know that no matter what you may find out about your birth parents, you will be OK. You’re just finding out the answers to your history that were lost in a fog. And once the fog clears, you will see clearly, and have a better understanding of what happened and why. Some information may be hard to hear, I know. But then again, you never know what doors may open to some wonderful new relationships with siblings or relatives that you never knew. And just remember this, Jesi, that no matter WHY your birth parents put you up for adoption….THAT is their burden to bear, not yours. You are such a wonderful woman, wife, mother, grandmother, friend, and on and on. It was because of you that I started going to Gateway church…. You inspire people with your posts about your love for God and in your writings.
Just continue to trust God through this new adventure in your life, and lean on Him when you need strength and guidance…..He will be with you every step of the way!
I’m excited for you, and can’t wait to hear more as your story continues to unfold….
Beautifully written Jesi. God is opening many more doors for you. I am so happy to be part of your story and can hardly wait to meet you for the first time. Although our childhood too was spent living in a dysfunctional family, we were able to receive the love our mom Carmen had for us. She tried really hard to give us all she had in the absence of our father. And she did. Sometimes we didn’t have enough to eat.. but we were happy with her homemade tortillas and gravy for dinner. Our Christmasses were ones to remember. How she ever was able to give us gifts, I don’t know! And I now appreciate that she passed on her Catholic faith and love for God and Mother Mary to us. Without the faith and hope in our Lord, we would have been lost. Waiting for when we meet, Your Sister, Becky
I know what’s happening as you are going through this journey and I can’t wait to read your next entry!
I am especially glad that you are willing to share this with your friends and followers, because like you there are others who have suffered needlessly. And I pray that through your writings others can be blessed. You, my dearest, Are important….you are Very special, you are loved and you are most certainly Wanted!
And I hope you will be pleased to know, our mother too was a writer! But that…we can share on another day.
The other sister!!
Wow! My heart and prayers are for you to experience love in a way you’ve longed for without even knowing it.
I’ll be looking for the next chapter….
Love and miss you!
What a wonderful post. I hope to hear more from you in the future. It has been a pleasure reading your writing in Creative Writing class. Keep up the blog!